Casual Harangues

The Diversity Police have struck again, this time targeting Last Comic Standing, the reality show where viewers choose the best up-and-coming stand-up comedian. Before the viewers can vote, however, auditions and semifinals are held, the winners being determined by judges. Anyone who watched the two semifinals episodes knows the women absolutely sucked this year, and yet, half the winners who went on turned out to be women. They even added two spots to make it an even 6-6 guys to girls.

The only women with any merit are Kristen Keys and perhaps the older one, whose name escapes me. The rest are shameless clichés, with punchlines ranging from 1) guys suck, to 2) guys suck at sex. This included some truly malinformed digs at uncircumcised guys.

So what we have is four positions in the house that could have gone to more worthy comics. Most of the other non-white males were okay though. Gabriel Iglesias easily made the cut, but then again he already has his own half-hour special on Comedy Central (so does Bill Dwyer, by the way). The black guy--these shows were all at least a week ago, remember--was pretty good and even made a cut at Social Security. Unless that was the other one. Man, that sounded bad. The guy with cerebral palsy could draw the laughs, but didn't have any material not about his condition, even in three different performances. By comparison, the girl with the lisp branched out in her semi-finals performance, but used the three minutes to make a fool of herself (she didn't make it).

Basically, it was just the four women that were wrongly appointed, with maybe a slight misjudgement on the cerebral palsy guy. On the plus side, this makes it a lot easier to decide who to root for.

My picks for the overall winner this year are Gabriel Iglesias, Joey Gay, or that curly-haired guy from the first semi-finals.

-Revan

I saw the saddest thing yesterday, when my family was visiting the cemetery for Father's Day. You can buy these marble benches in addition to the traditional graves, and there were two of them belonging to one family. Here is what was engraved on them (names changed because I don't remember them):

To our loving mother...from Bob, Dave, and Jeff

and the other one:

To our loving brother Bob...from Dave and Jeff

They were right next to each other. It was so sad. You just know there's going to be a third bench someday.

-Revan

Top Eleven Worst Foods

11. PETA bread
10. Rats-In-A-Bag
9. Mayonnaise (seriously)
8. V-chips and dip
7. Lice cream
6. Pulled orc
5. [insert name of your dog here]
4. Reclaimed toast
3. Chocolate-covered bunnies (not chocolate; chocolate-covered)
2. Honey Bunches of Goats
1. I Can't Believe It's Not Cyanide

Honorable mentions: Go-gurt, Ted Kennedy

Now, I could have easily ripped off a past Get Fuzzy strip and gone with "Geeses Pieces" and "I Can't Believe It's Not Otter," but we here--or at least I--at Casual Harangues have more class than that.  Thusly, these are all original!  Hopefull top eleven lists will become a regular feature ("regular" meaning "whenever I feel like it").  Feel free to request a topic.

-Revan

If you had killed yourself over four years by pouring your blood sweat and tears into running like I have, you would understand what I am talking about. You don't have a clue.

It doesn't matter if there are differences about what you think the sayings say. Every saying can be interpreted differently. The competition cannot directly affect a runner. BUT it can motivate them to put that much more effort into it, if they have it. My comment of man vs man can mean against himself and against competition.

And there's more. Bowerman isn't being "mean". You better be sarcastic when you say the other guy is making conversation. the other guy would be trying to show off. 1oo in a week is rediculousy hard, but it's irrelavent. What it comes to in a race is what the man can do with himself. not just because of 100 miles he's logged in a week. You think running is based purely on the practice that is done. Wrong. Granted of course, lots of effort is neccessary. Running is something that's all in your head. It's about the mind working the body. The effort comes more from the mind than the body. If you can lift 300 pounds, but your mind says "no, no i can't" the you can't. The mind can restric the body from performing at its best.

"Scientific testing can't determine how the mind will tolerate pain in a race. Sometimes, I say, 'Today I can die.'" Gelindo Bordin

Bowerman coach america's running ledgend, Steve Prefontaine. He created Nike. Something tells me he knows a little about running....

About he limits of the human body. No limit has ever been discovered for running. About 50 years ago doctors believed that if anyone ran a mile in under four minutes, the would die because their heart would explode. Roger Bannister proved that wrong. He was the first man to break that time. After him more and more people showed it wasn't true. Now, sub-four miles are expected for professionals and even colleges. There in no limit to the human body. Why? Cause no one is the same as the next person. But try and tell me where the limit is.

Whatever Oprah says about something else doesn't matter. Take the saying at its own value without throwing any bull into it.

Now about your week legs comment. And there is no guarentee they will injure themselves. Lets see.. the first day I started running we were doing a mile split routine. Sprint one mile, rest, and do it for a total of four miles. I did every single one of them, all out. I never injured myself, and I never have in running. My legs were in the worst shape you could imagine. Yeah you can injure yourself. But guess what? if you are in perfect shape you can still injure yourself. It's not about strength. The stongest bodies CANNOT PREVENT IT. Injury is a part of running. You take the risk to get what you want out of it. If you can risk anything, then you might as well sit in a couch for the rest of your life.

You think that physics directly applies to running. It does not. It can't. Physics can't tell you what one body can do and can't do. No one is the same. I'll tell you what has limits. Things that don't change. parts of computers will get to a point that they cannot be any smaller, for example. They human body has no stopping point.

Running is something that is sacred for me. It's part of my life and always will be. If only you ever had the experiences we've had, you would know what I am talking about. I hope you never do something and say to yourself, "I am going to do this but it's impossible to do it any better." If you think you can't improve then you might as well quit. -(a slightly irked) Axiom

For years I had been looking for a game that let me be a jedi.  A couple years ago I found that game: it was Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.  Set 4,000 years before A New Hope, KOTOR illustrates a galaxy at war.  After two of the Republic's greatest jedi, Malak and Revan (sound familiar?), returned from fighting Mandalorians, something had changed in them and they became sith lords.  They appear to have unlimited resources, and the only success the Republic has had against them comes in the form of the young jedi Bastila and her battle meditation skills.  At the onset of the game, you--as either a soldier, scout, or scoundrel--have been tasked to protect Bastila as her ship goes down in flames.

KOTOR is an RPG--a role-playing game--meaning the rules are lifted directly from Dungeons and Dragons, but thankfully all the dice rolls and such take place out of sight.  You start off relatively unskilled, but you level up and eventually learn of your Force potential.

KOTOR is technically turned based, but the turns occur in real time.  During battles, you can queue up actions for your party members (you have three or less at all times) or simply watch the action unfold and intercede where neccessary.  Everything is your choice.  You can choose who to be in your party from eleven or so characters, you can choose to upgrade or buy weapons, you can choose to take part in optional character-specific quests that flesh out back stories, you can choose how deeply you explore the seven worlds in the game.  But the most important choice is dark side or light?  Your morality isn't a box you check off at the beginning, it's something that comes about based on all your decisions in the game.  For instance, do you give the cure to a raging epidemic to the good doctor or sell it on the black market? Do you deal with the Tusken Raiders by buying a translator droid and negotiating or do you rush in and kill them all?  In typical RPG fare you can simply walk into peoples' dwellings and steal their stuff with no consequence to your morality (don't try it with the Tuskens though).  Your decisions ultimately lead you to one of two corresponding endings (no separate fate for you wishy-washy jedi).

KOTOR feels as epic as any movie in the original trilogy and could occupy you for upwards of fourty hours.  In the thick of that fourty hours is a plot twist that has become legendary among people who keep track of these things.  If you're looking for your Star Wars gaming fix, this is it.

-Revan 

There are many great sports in the world. Soccer, football, baseball, hockey, tennis, you name it. But running the purest sport. It's simple for to give my explanations.

There are sports that look really good to viewers and players. Soccer is know as the beautiful sport. Football, baseball, all of them are regarded as sports that are umm attractive (?) I believe.

Running is the purest sport. It is man against man. No balls. No nets. No bats. No raquetts. No gloves. No time outs. No time limits. No helmets. No padding. It is nothing but one persons body against another's.

I agree, there is no beauty in running. Unless you understand it. The only competition in running is your opponents. Not the clock and not a number of points you score.

Running is all about what pain you are willing to put on your body. The human body truely has no limits. The only thing that can hold you back as a runner is your own mind. Your mind controlls how hard you will work yourself, how dedicated you are, and what you are willing to give for what you want.

There. I hope I've given a good, simpe explanation for all that.

-Axiom

"You don't run against a bloody stopwatch, do you hear? A runner runs against himself, against the best that's in him.... Against all the rottenness in the world. Against God, if you're good enough."

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." - Steve Prefontaine

"A lot of people run a race to see who's the fastest. I run to see who has the most guts." - Steve Prefontaine

"You have to wonder at times what you are doing out there. Over the years I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement." - Steve Prefontaine

"It's about morale. With weak legs and a good head, you can go a long way. With good legs and a weak head you go nowhere." - Paul Kimmage

"Running is the greatest metaphor for life, becasue you get out of it what you put into it." - Oprah Winfrey

"If someone says, 'Hey, I ran 100 miles this week. How far did you run?' ignore him. What the hell difference does it make? the magic is in the man, not the 100 miles." - Bill Bowerman

"Bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible." - Shakespeare (Julius Caeser)

For game 2 of "game week", I'd like to introduce Metroid Prime, an adventure game for the gamecube. Sporting an FPS-like presentation, beautiful graphics, and an atmospheric soundtrack. It's one of my favorite experiences in gaming and a good example of the type of game that illustrates what I call The Journey. The Journey is when you play as a single character, and the environments and story start off relatively innocently, in this case exploring the lush world of Tallon IV and the Chozo Ruins. You fight enemies--even bosses--now and then, but it's nothing too dramatic. But at then there is the Turning Point, and the Journey becomes more difficult, with the player now being hunted. The player is no longer as confident, cautiously and carefully scoping out new areas before entering them. It becomes more a game of survival and trying to hang on until the next save point. In Prime, this turning point was when you first encounter a metroid. In a space-pirate lab, a metroid broke free of its glass cage, the power shorted out, and the music took a turn for the eery. From that point on, even the previously explored areas I had already cleared out were seeded with stronger enemies. Later in the Journey mastery is attained and all that stands between the player and total victory is the Final Showdown--with Metroid Prime itself.

One place where MP shines brighter than any other game is in level design. The whole world is a giant puzzle, challenging you to open up the doorways facing you. For example, you know you need something inside room D, but to get to it, you'll need to enter room A, where you find an item that lets you jump higher. This gives you access to room B, where you find a special gun that allows you to open door C, where you find a suit that lets you survive submersion in the toxic waste back in room A, where you gain the ability to roll into a morph ball. With the ball you can roll under a barrier in room E, where you find a heat visor that can locate the infrared switch to unlock door D...and on and on...

There's no voice acting in MP, which isn't a hinderance because no one says anything anyway. The story is revealed entirely through writings on ancient artifacts and in research logs left behind by the space pirates.

I have just one complaint about this game, and that is in one area is a jumping puzzle where you are not on level platforms. It's difficult to tell which way gravity is pulling you, and consequently I spent an hour trying to navigate no more than a hundred meters.

-Revan

Jealousy is a twisted source of inspiration. You may work towards something only because you want it, and it seems you can't have it. It's a source of dark power, if you ask me. But it doesn't neccessarilly work for bad reasons, as long as you can actually control it. As long as you work towards something in a right and just way, jealousy should not be a problem. If you work towards something in a disgracefull way that can tear apart people's lives, you are being overtaken by your own greed. The line between good and evil in this situation is blurred.. there is no concrete description. I am fighting jealousy with myself right now, and luckily I believe i am fully in control. I never let anything push me beyond what I should do. I just felt like making this post to help myself solid on my decisions. -Axiom

I stare forward attentively as I lead my machine out of a 16 kilometer death trap.  My hands are verifiably grafted to the controls, and I dare not take them away to quench my slaking thirst or maybe turn on the a/c.  I dare not take them away, because doing so would mean certain death for me and my bleleaguered passenger, who I am attempting to save from this soon-to-explode power plant.  I have fourty seconds to get out, and I need every one of them.  I know this, because I have been in this situation before, albeit with either five or ten more precious seconds.  And if you've noticed, 16 km in 40 seconds means I'm traveling at about .4 km/sec or 1440 km/hr.  This means if I so much as nick the walls that close in periodically, Jody and I are toast.  But this time is different from all those other times. This time I am not incinerated.  This time I am launched along with my machine out of the tiny exit of the power plant, with less than 3/10 of a second to spare.  I let out a huge sigh of relief.  The impossible has been done.  Mission 4 on "very hard" has been completed!

The game is F-zero GX, a (duh) racer for the Nintendo Gamecube and doubtless my favorite ever in the racing genre.  In it machines--every one unique in looks and handling--are raced at speeds averaging about 1000 km/hr around twisting, challenging tracks.  Each machine has energy simultaneously used to protect and/or boost it.

When I first read about GX, there didn't seem like much to do in it.  Three grand prixs of five tracks each and nine story mode missions?  I would be finished with the game in five hours and never again touch it, I thought.  Then I read the reviews, which complained about the blistering difficulty (I know now the reviewers were just pansies).  Years passed.  A couple months ago, I found myself in front of a rack of used games in Electronic Boutique, face to face with F-zero GX for just seven dollars.  Seven dollars.  Less than I paid for Minority Report (the game (don't ask)).  I went ahead and bought it.  Best investment ever.

The game asks a lot of you.  It has a steep learning curve, yes, but also a fast one.  I went from novice to standard to expert to master in about a month, and trust me, those are accurate descriptors.  The story mode is an equally meaty challenge.  When all's said and done, your completed mission times will total less than 30 minutes, but I guarantee you your attempts could take well over thirty hours, especially if you go after the hard and very hard settings.

Your labor doesn't go unrewarded either:  there's a wealth of unlockables that I'm still working on to this day.  You start out with just the four machines pictured on the game's cover, but eventually you will have fourty.  An additional eleven tracks are also available, if you have the skill and the drive.  Did I mention you can also purchase parts to build your own original custom machine?  Topping out the list of goodies, a short 30-second CG movie for each pilot is yours if you can beat any of the cups on Master (with the respective pilot).

F-zero doesn't lack in atmosphere either, with a soundtrack worthy of independent listen, and colorful characters abound.  How many other racing games interview you after you've won the championship? 

Interviewer:  Is being an octopus inconvenient?

Octoman:  Oh, yes.  Some people want to eat me!

Great game!

-Revan 

So I have some general things that I feel like listing, so it might be interesting for some of you and not for others.

So just a few days ago I was talking with a good friend of mine, and throughout the conversation things grew into us talking about our relationships with ppl. I said something along the lines of: "I've been plutonically interested in a lot of gals at school, but I've never really made an attempt. A lot of times I'm not interested enough, but often I can tell that I don't have a chance with any." She responded "oh, you had chances with a lot, trust me." Well that's unintentionally a backhanded compliment. I had no idea anyone was ever interested in me, 'cause no one has ever hinted it to me or just told. So it kinda feels like a stab to the heart to know that kind of stuff. But it's ok, I guess. At least I was wrong.

And another thing. Several times (and when I say several I mean around 4 or 5) a girl has said to me, "oh Rob, you're so nice/cute/funny/perfect that some girl will be so lucky to find you." Now the first time I heard it I was pretty happy. Everytime after that, I was glad they told me that, but bitter that they told me that. I know they mean what they say, but they clearly never felt the way they said some girl would feel, so it does nothing but confuse me. This is another example of a backhanded compliment.

I know, I know. I'm pretty pathetic for those issues but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment, so there it is.

Continuing with some more stuff: Two years ago I met the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. We met 'cause we are both skim boarders. She lives about an hour away from me, so that is kind of a problem. She didn't have a boyfriend for the first two years that I knew her, and we had met up at the beach several times. I loved doing that. I started to get the idea that she may be a lil interested in me. Maybe not as much as I was in her, but enough to make me happy. I figured I may have a chance. I took her to this year's Home Coming dance with me, and she said that she had a really good time. Well not too long after that, we kind of stopped talking. Not for any reason, we just faded some. Mostly we talked online. IMs was my best way of talking. Never over the phone. Maybe I should have done that... Well now she's had a boyfriend for about half a year. He's about a foot taller than me, stronger than me, and if you ask me he looks better than me. That pisses me off. I'm not mad at her or him, I'm angry at myself. What if I really did have a chance? If I did I blew it. Screwed myself over. It wouldn't of been the first time, I'm sure. I don't know, I'd like to just get back to being good friends with her, but it seems kind of hard to do. It's hard to get talking started I guess, but I know it's a lot easier once it has started. Sadly I will be going to college this year, which will meen that we are 4 hours away. About 200 miles. That'll be great. I could see her over breaks and summer, but not much during the school year. THat's another reason I want to get back into a friend-style relationship with her. I'd love to just talk or e-mail or IM her once in a while. I'd love to keep her as a friend. No matter how jealous I may be of her boyfriend. We'll see. Maybe I'll keep you in touch of more information.

Lastly, my friends got me this really cool shirt from an island in the Bahamas. It's the kind of shirt that has no sleeves so it shows off your arms (if you have muscles there...) Before that, I'd been working to build my strength and muscle looks. Now I'm working harder 'cause I want to look good in that shirt. That shirt has set a goal for me. I need that. I've had it for a week, and in this past week I have doubled the strength and looks of me arm and chest muschles. So I am working hard. And there is a great advantage to being 18. You can build strength much faster at ages around now than you can as you get older. I'm making the best of it that I can. Also as you get older your muscles tone out naturally, so I'm looking forward to that as well. Once I'm ripped I'll leave a post with a picture, Ha!

Well that's about all I have for you right now!

-Axiom